Connections

There is a gentle breeze blowing through my office window today, warm and friendly, but somehow reminding me that I need to reconnect with this blog, especially as my days here wind down faster than I can blink. I was away in Vietnam for almost a month, celebrating Tet with my family and seeing the roots of the complex issues effecting migrant workers and brides in Taiwan. Vietnam was Vietnam. There were great things about that trip and there were awful things. That's life. I'll be using this blog more to prepare for my re-entry to the states, so I hope that you come with me on the last leg of my long trip.

18 days. That's all I have left before a variety of things happen. For certain, I will be an emotional mess upon my return. I already feel the horrible gnawing pains of loss in my stomach, and as each day speeds by the ironic question of, "how will I manage my life WITHOUT the chaotic frenzy that is Taiwan?" creeps into my heart. The other certainty is that I have changed. Figuring out how I fit the new me into an old space (in the states), a context that has stayed somewhat the same frightens me. Of course friends, family, and life back home has changed some, but the change has been more on my end as a default of this type of intensive work/life environment.

I'm at conflict. Part of me wants to take steps to prepare for the horrible feeling of loss looming at the end of this journey. Another part of me wants to just live as fully as possible and deal with whatever pain comes however intense at the time it shows up. I tested out the first path by trying to pack half my clothes in a suitcase the other night -- close up shop. Then I took down half my students' artwork in my office. When I got to the photo wall of me and various residents who have changed my life forever I couldn't do it. I couldn't pack them up. Instead, I started balling. Never in my life did I believe that acts of kindness from others could bring my life such joy. Of course I've given them bits of knowledge, my professional skills, my energy and time, but it doesn't compare to what I've received by witnessing their struggles and watching their minds open up in my classes. I've had the unique opportunity to bear witness as they repair their lives. I've helped them hope and believe that a better life is possible even though things may look bleak. They've made me believe that my message is true. Together, we've created meaningfulness where it didn't exist before.

At times in Taiwan, I've felt helpless, like evil was winning in the eternal battle between good and evil. Little by little, I conclude that I was wrong. The scales are always tipping; power is a fluid entity and at any time we can tip power our way through concerted efforts. As long as I am doing my best in the present moment to fight for justice, progress and a brighter future is possible in the most dire of situations.

The current break-up plan I'm deploying is the one-day-at-a-time plan. It's a combination strategy of closing up some things, like packing up my office gradually, but also not focusing so much on "the end". The end is going to come. That fact is certain, so it doesn't do me any good to keep thinking about it. A close friend helped me out with this message: if you keep focusing on the day you leave, there won't be any room for you to enjoy the time you have left. What's the VietACT intern in Taiwan up to at present? She's living her best life, trying to make each moment count, and enjoying life's joy and pain.